for the righteous falls seven times and rises again,
but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.
This past year has been a very interesting and difficult year. A lot of ups and downs…i was faced with, what I think, one of lifes’ harder lessons. It was a lesson about giving up, or a better way of saying it would be letting go. Letting go of my desire.
I was raised in a home that pointed me to responsibility, respect, honesty…good behavior. when surronded with these expectations no matter how perfect and safe it is or not… you subcincioustly believe you are a good person. I believed this because there was nothing that pointed out otherwise, and when compared to majority of the world…well I am a good person. I don’t lie, steal, murder, get revenge on pepole who hurt me, and intentionally try to belittle people for personal gain. There is nothing pointing at me saying I need to be a better person, when comparing myself to everyone else in this crazy world!
I am almost convinced that being a “good” person you don’t see the need for something more. becuase, I thought I was a “good” person why wouldn’t God love me or save me? I am a nice, kind, generous, considerate person?! well, 2012 was the year that I discovered…my not good side. NO,I did not start stealing or murdering…nothing really changed in me at all. In fact, my belief in God became more solidified! BUT the thing that DID change was the way I viewed myself. I saw when It came down to what I wanted, I would choose it. No matter who said what…even if God would tell me “no” I would choose what I want over what God wants. I saw (how the Bible describes it) my fleshly desire. What I desired was not bad in any way shape or form. It would be like a kid wanting ice cream. you would say that is not a BAD thing. That “not good” is choosing myself…God never told me “no” , but he allowed me to see that even if he would have told me “no” I would choose what I wanted. choosing what I want no matter what God wants is the not good. AND through all this, I saw that my desires were not the Best. which I opened my eyes to the possiblility that my desires could sometimes be bad as well! God wants the Best for us, even if we don’t.
This year has been VERY interesting because as well as seeing the “Not good” side of me I also recognized the freedom God has given me with EVERYTHING! SO I realized I have more freedom, but with the freedom I saw that my unability to make the Best choice for myself.
I don’t have too much more to write, Really I just want to thank God for the people he placed in my life this past year n’ half which could never be replaced. 2012 was a difficult year but I would not redo any of it! The lessons learned were worth it. Im ready for 2013 and what it has to offer!